it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
