I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
