I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
