Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
