so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
