he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize