8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
