am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Farmville is her only friend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
