I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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