dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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