What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
