I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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