saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
