my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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