Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
