can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
