I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
