This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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