you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
