Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
