The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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