I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
