Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
