last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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