im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
