Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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