they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
