I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize