wakey wakey hands off snakey
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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