I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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