Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
