My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i love accidental penises.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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