I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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