I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
