my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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