and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
