My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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