sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
