margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
