took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
