So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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