david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
