While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The Olympian is in my bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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