Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
