He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We are all done wearing pants today
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
