either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
