Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
