I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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