You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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