I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
