You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize