he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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