Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
