like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i drank out of a bidet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
