I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
