My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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