you traded sex for a burrito?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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