i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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