We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
