jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Apparently you make a good broom.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
